Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt though that the sun doth move'
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt that I love.
- William Shakespeare
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Somewhere Between
Somewhere between the procrastination and the homework, and the facebooking, and the friendships, and the boyfriends.
Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends, the "i miss you"'s, and the "i love you"'s, and the "what are we doing tonight?"'s.
Somewhere between all the changing...the growing.
Somewhere between the classes, and the skipping classes. And the studying for tests..and the pretending to study for tests.. and the downright NOT studying for tests.
I learned.
I learned what college is all about.
I learned what it means to cry.
I learned that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
And that pretending to be smart, doesn't make you smart.
I learned that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.
I learned that you can't control falling in love.. and you can't make yourself fall i love. I learned that I CAN love.
I learned it's okay to mess up.. and it's okay to ask for help.
It's okay to feel like crap.. and it's okay to whine.
I learned that sometimes the things you want most.. you just can't have.
I learned that the greatest things about college weren't the parties..or the drinking.. or the hook ups.
It's the friendships.
I learned the things we want most to forget about are the things we most need to talk about.
I know that letters from friends are the most important things. That sending cards to your friends makes YOU feel better.
But basically, I just learned that my friends, both old and new, are some of the most important people to me in the world, and without them. I wouldn't be who I am today.
Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends, the "i miss you"'s, and the "i love you"'s, and the "what are we doing tonight?"'s.
Somewhere between all the changing...the growing.
Somewhere between the classes, and the skipping classes. And the studying for tests..and the pretending to study for tests.. and the downright NOT studying for tests.
I learned.
I learned what college is all about.
I learned what it means to cry.
I learned that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
And that pretending to be smart, doesn't make you smart.
I learned that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future.
I learned that you can't control falling in love.. and you can't make yourself fall i love. I learned that I CAN love.
I learned it's okay to mess up.. and it's okay to ask for help.
It's okay to feel like crap.. and it's okay to whine.
I learned that sometimes the things you want most.. you just can't have.
I learned that the greatest things about college weren't the parties..or the drinking.. or the hook ups.
It's the friendships.
I learned the things we want most to forget about are the things we most need to talk about.
I know that letters from friends are the most important things. That sending cards to your friends makes YOU feel better.
But basically, I just learned that my friends, both old and new, are some of the most important people to me in the world, and without them. I wouldn't be who I am today.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
It's sinking in..
My very good friend Andrew called me tonight. By the time we finished our what had to be no more than 8 minute conversation, I had a tear running down my cheek. He only called to see how I was doing and to say hi. Caught up very briefly, said our goodbyes, miss you, and love ya's, and hung up. Nothing we spoke about was particularly sad, yet the conversation was very emotional for me. Andrew moved to the Phoenix area about a year ago and since I have only seen him once. Since then a handful of other friends have moved away from Ames and on with their lives.
Now it's my turn.
I NEVER in a million years thought I would cry over graduation and getting out of this town. Maybe it's because I'm so comfortable here, unhappy 80% of the time, but comfortable. Scared of what the future brings. Moving to a new place where I don't know people. Having to prove myself. Or maybe it's because, not of what I am leaving behind, but who. Though I have had many friends leave ahead of me.. there's a lot that have yet to leave after me. Or maybe it's a little of both.
Every time I go somewhere in town or on campus I wonder: "Is this the last time I'll ever be in the building?" "Is this the last time I'll eat at this restaurant?" "How long will it be before I see this person again?"
I miss my friends. I miss those who have left and already the ones I am about to leave.
Now it's my turn.
I NEVER in a million years thought I would cry over graduation and getting out of this town. Maybe it's because I'm so comfortable here, unhappy 80% of the time, but comfortable. Scared of what the future brings. Moving to a new place where I don't know people. Having to prove myself. Or maybe it's because, not of what I am leaving behind, but who. Though I have had many friends leave ahead of me.. there's a lot that have yet to leave after me. Or maybe it's a little of both.
Every time I go somewhere in town or on campus I wonder: "Is this the last time I'll ever be in the building?" "Is this the last time I'll eat at this restaurant?" "How long will it be before I see this person again?"
I miss my friends. I miss those who have left and already the ones I am about to leave.
Monday, November 16, 2009
So Proud to be a Cyclone!
What a GREAT weekend to be a Cyclone! In football, we beat Colorado to become bowl eligible for the first time in 4 years! Coach Rhoads has done an AMAZING job. NO ONE thought this team would win 3 games this season let alone 6! (with 1 or 2 to go!) Everyone wrote us off and said it would take at least 5 years before we were relevant again; and although I still know we aren't that talented, this team has SO much heart and it makes me more proud to say we win with heart than because of talent. They leave it all on the field every Saturday and I am in love with this coach. Everyone talks about Ferentz doing one of the best coaching jobs in the country this year but I think Rhoads has done better. Ferentz has a very good football team in Iowa City (as much as it pains me to say it) but I don't think there's a contest here. I am not gonna say Rhoads started with nothing because he didn't. He started with something... a MESS! It makes me so proud to be a Cyclone, knowing that coming off two years where we won a COMBINED 5 games we have already surpassed that in one season and also had more season tickets sold than any other year. You can call the Cyclones a lot of things; but we are definitely not band-wagoners! This football program has had to take a LOT of criticism the last few years and it feels so good surpass everyone's expectations.
The men and women's basketball teams both won. The women as always have an amazing program and hope to get back to the Elite 8 again this year! I am most excited about the men, who are expected to be the most improved team in the Big 12 and have the best team they've had in years.
Of course there's also our #8 volleyball team (22-4) who has beaten Nebraska AND Texas (both top 5 teams) and looks to defend their Elite 8 appearance from a year ago.
Then of course there's my beloved wrestling, #2 in the country and ready to get their 4th CONSECUTIVE Big 12 Title and hopefully take away Iowa's National Championship. Let's face it.. everyone knows it will be one of those 2 squads; don't be delusional.
The men and women's basketball teams both won. The women as always have an amazing program and hope to get back to the Elite 8 again this year! I am most excited about the men, who are expected to be the most improved team in the Big 12 and have the best team they've had in years.
Of course there's also our #8 volleyball team (22-4) who has beaten Nebraska AND Texas (both top 5 teams) and looks to defend their Elite 8 appearance from a year ago.
Then of course there's my beloved wrestling, #2 in the country and ready to get their 4th CONSECUTIVE Big 12 Title and hopefully take away Iowa's National Championship. Let's face it.. everyone knows it will be one of those 2 squads; don't be delusional.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Dear ________,
I'm moving out of state in 2 months. I've been going through all my belongings the past few days; storing and throwing away things I have collected over the last few decades of my life. I came across your box. I didn't have to open it to know what was inside. I immediately put it in the trash pile, only to return to it within the hour and go through it one last time.
What happened next was a lot of laughs and tears and feelings of guilt and regret. Every time anything good or bad happens to me, there is a list of people I tell. I text, call, email, etc. For the past months I have had a lot of great news and some heart breaking news as well. I told these people. Always in the pit of my stomach, there was this feeling that I couldn't shake that there was one more person to tell. You. For over 10 years you were on that list. Contacting you over the last few months has not been an option in my mind thanks to a lot of anger and hurt on both of our halves.
Our friendship was insane. Horrible at times and amazing at other times. The trust we had in each other was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. We fought, but we also laughed.. a LOT. You were my best friend.
At some point, things changed. Neither of us are to blame for this. It's life. It happens. I am not writing this message to ask for what we had back. I understand it's gone and I'm okay with that.
What I'm NOT okay with, is how we left it. I feel like our long relationship deserved better than the cold words we exchanged that night that you were camping with Kyle and Matt. Maybe you disagree, but regardless. I feel the absolute need to send you this message to say I am very truly sorry for the way things ended between us. I apologize for everything I ever did or said that hurt your feelings or caused you to look upon me in an ill manner. I wish nothing but the best for you and hope you are happy and get everything you want out of life. No one I know deserves it more.
I am not asking for forgiveness, though I'd be ecstatic to receive it, I just want you to know how sincere I am.
Lastly, thank you for over a decade of friendship. I feel very blessed and proud to have been a part of your life, no matter how small or large of a role. I hope maybe someday you can look back upon it as I do today and smile.
Always,
Lindsey
What happened next was a lot of laughs and tears and feelings of guilt and regret. Every time anything good or bad happens to me, there is a list of people I tell. I text, call, email, etc. For the past months I have had a lot of great news and some heart breaking news as well. I told these people. Always in the pit of my stomach, there was this feeling that I couldn't shake that there was one more person to tell. You. For over 10 years you were on that list. Contacting you over the last few months has not been an option in my mind thanks to a lot of anger and hurt on both of our halves.
Our friendship was insane. Horrible at times and amazing at other times. The trust we had in each other was beyond anything I had ever experienced before. We fought, but we also laughed.. a LOT. You were my best friend.
At some point, things changed. Neither of us are to blame for this. It's life. It happens. I am not writing this message to ask for what we had back. I understand it's gone and I'm okay with that.
What I'm NOT okay with, is how we left it. I feel like our long relationship deserved better than the cold words we exchanged that night that you were camping with Kyle and Matt. Maybe you disagree, but regardless. I feel the absolute need to send you this message to say I am very truly sorry for the way things ended between us. I apologize for everything I ever did or said that hurt your feelings or caused you to look upon me in an ill manner. I wish nothing but the best for you and hope you are happy and get everything you want out of life. No one I know deserves it more.
I am not asking for forgiveness, though I'd be ecstatic to receive it, I just want you to know how sincere I am.
Lastly, thank you for over a decade of friendship. I feel very blessed and proud to have been a part of your life, no matter how small or large of a role. I hope maybe someday you can look back upon it as I do today and smile.
Always,
Lindsey
Monday, October 26, 2009
Don't know where this post is headed...
but that's half the fun right?
Here is what I do know at the current moment:
1)People really are crazy. The human race is astonishing and amazing. The components that go into making a personality what it is and unlike any other in the world astounds me. You could be surrounded by friends and family who you "know" and then be completely shocked and dismayed at their words or actions in the blink of an eye. It's usually among discussions of politics, religion, morals, etc that these appear.
2) Why aren't people just content? What is with our desire to always want more? I don't absolve myself of this characteristic at all. I'm guilty. At what point did society switch over though? Maybe we all need to take a turn living in a 3rd world country where we're happy with a slice of bread, 2 shoes (whether they match or not), and at least 1 living breathing sibling or parent. Make us appreciate what we have a little more.
3) I have the most amazing family in the world. As biased as I am.. I truly believe this. They are the strongest, kindest, faithful, and loving people I know. I often wonder how I got so lucky to be able to call myself one of them. I am so proud.
4) The New York Yankees are intoxicating and so effing great at what they do. They deserve to win this World Series, hands down. I expect no one but other Yankee fans to get this. I have never been so passionate about anything like I am about the Yankees. I literally cried after last night's win. They get nothing but ridiculed from non-fans and it's completely uncalled for. (see my yankee blog for more on this) yet, they stay a classy organization that gives back incredibly to charity, the community, and it's fans.
5) I have no idea what I want out of life. I'm a few months from getting this degree and I don't even know anymore if it's what I want to do with my life. It seems so final. It scares me.
6) The heat in my apartment is still not working and it's really starting to suck.
7) I am so broke. I don't have the money for anything. My credit card is maxed out. I owe Dell, Avon, ISU, US Cellular, Jensen Property, Ames Municipal Utilities, my sorority, and my brothers all considerable amounts of money that I do not have.
8) The Halloween party is 5 days away and i have no costume or even an idea for one. Oh or any money to buy one. Luckily.. no matter what I go as, I can take solace in knowing i'll look 1000000 X better than this guy...
9) I miss my grandfather so much. Not having ever gone to visit him and have one last good conversation with him before his stroke eats at me every day. I know he knows that I love him and understands that I couldn't be there as much as I would have liked, but that doesn't help. He was such an amazing man and did so much for this family.. he deserved better than that from me. One thing I really am having a hard time with concerning it is knowing that my own family someday won't know him. I always kind of knew that him ever meeting my children would be very unlikely, but I really wanted my future husband to meet him. To understand how huge of a loss this is for our family and how loving of a man he was. To be able to back me up when I DO tell my children about him someday.
10) Despite all of this... I am happy.
Here is what I do know at the current moment:
1)People really are crazy. The human race is astonishing and amazing. The components that go into making a personality what it is and unlike any other in the world astounds me. You could be surrounded by friends and family who you "know" and then be completely shocked and dismayed at their words or actions in the blink of an eye. It's usually among discussions of politics, religion, morals, etc that these appear.
2) Why aren't people just content? What is with our desire to always want more? I don't absolve myself of this characteristic at all. I'm guilty. At what point did society switch over though? Maybe we all need to take a turn living in a 3rd world country where we're happy with a slice of bread, 2 shoes (whether they match or not), and at least 1 living breathing sibling or parent. Make us appreciate what we have a little more.
3) I have the most amazing family in the world. As biased as I am.. I truly believe this. They are the strongest, kindest, faithful, and loving people I know. I often wonder how I got so lucky to be able to call myself one of them. I am so proud.
4) The New York Yankees are intoxicating and so effing great at what they do. They deserve to win this World Series, hands down. I expect no one but other Yankee fans to get this. I have never been so passionate about anything like I am about the Yankees. I literally cried after last night's win. They get nothing but ridiculed from non-fans and it's completely uncalled for. (see my yankee blog for more on this) yet, they stay a classy organization that gives back incredibly to charity, the community, and it's fans.
5) I have no idea what I want out of life. I'm a few months from getting this degree and I don't even know anymore if it's what I want to do with my life. It seems so final. It scares me.
6) The heat in my apartment is still not working and it's really starting to suck.
7) I am so broke. I don't have the money for anything. My credit card is maxed out. I owe Dell, Avon, ISU, US Cellular, Jensen Property, Ames Municipal Utilities, my sorority, and my brothers all considerable amounts of money that I do not have.
8) The Halloween party is 5 days away and i have no costume or even an idea for one. Oh or any money to buy one. Luckily.. no matter what I go as, I can take solace in knowing i'll look 1000000 X better than this guy...
9) I miss my grandfather so much. Not having ever gone to visit him and have one last good conversation with him before his stroke eats at me every day. I know he knows that I love him and understands that I couldn't be there as much as I would have liked, but that doesn't help. He was such an amazing man and did so much for this family.. he deserved better than that from me. One thing I really am having a hard time with concerning it is knowing that my own family someday won't know him. I always kind of knew that him ever meeting my children would be very unlikely, but I really wanted my future husband to meet him. To understand how huge of a loss this is for our family and how loving of a man he was. To be able to back me up when I DO tell my children about him someday.
10) Despite all of this... I am happy.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
25 Random Facts About Me
1. I have ate frog, crocodile, and kangaroo.. and liked it.
2. But I'll always be a steak and potato girl.
3. There was a point in my life when I was taking 12 pills a day PLUS vitamins and supplements
4. When I get bored, I color my hair. Blonde, Black, Pink.. whatever.
5. I go through an average of 8 post-it notes a day
6.I live across from an assisted care facility for elderly and I always think the old men are looking at me through my window. Even if my blinds are closed I feel like they sit there and wait for me to open them.
7. My heart melts when a certain 3 year old calls me "Sissy"
8. I always keep my windshield wipers on low, no matter how hard it is raining, because I don't want to look like a spazz to the people in the cars that pass by me.
9. My brothers don't know it but I look up to them and always have. Even when we were young and never got a long. I thought they were soo cool.
10. I regret every day not going out for basketball my senior year of high school.
11. I'm obsessed with traveling.
12. I desperately need a cheaper hobby.
13. I honestly don't think I am destined to do the traditional college, career, family thing by the time I turn 30. The only reason I stay in school is because my parents have invested too much for me to quit now.
14. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded, but I still believe all people are good at heart.
15. The toe next to my big toe, is actually considerably longer than my big toe.
16. Sometimes I hate being tall. Sometimes I love it.
17. I wanna fall in love with a bad boy.
18. I pick my lip when I'm nervous
19. I can't get through a single Yankee game without wanting to puke from nervousness.
20. I have had a school-girl-crush on one of my guy friends for 9 years and he has NO clue.
21. I don't come even CLOSE to acting my age.
22. I am a life time Girl Scout
23. I have yet to meet a doctor I trust 100%
24. My childhood best friend Annie and I used to find whatever money we could every single day, meet at the old railroad tracks in Poky, conveniently half way between our houses and go to Ben Franklin and buy candy. Somehow I have NEVER had a cavity.
25. I believe people that call "pop". "soda" are incredibly delusional.
2. But I'll always be a steak and potato girl.
3. There was a point in my life when I was taking 12 pills a day PLUS vitamins and supplements
4. When I get bored, I color my hair. Blonde, Black, Pink.. whatever.
5. I go through an average of 8 post-it notes a day
6.I live across from an assisted care facility for elderly and I always think the old men are looking at me through my window. Even if my blinds are closed I feel like they sit there and wait for me to open them.
7. My heart melts when a certain 3 year old calls me "Sissy"
8. I always keep my windshield wipers on low, no matter how hard it is raining, because I don't want to look like a spazz to the people in the cars that pass by me.
9. My brothers don't know it but I look up to them and always have. Even when we were young and never got a long. I thought they were soo cool.
10. I regret every day not going out for basketball my senior year of high school.
11. I'm obsessed with traveling.
12. I desperately need a cheaper hobby.
13. I honestly don't think I am destined to do the traditional college, career, family thing by the time I turn 30. The only reason I stay in school is because my parents have invested too much for me to quit now.
14. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded, but I still believe all people are good at heart.
15. The toe next to my big toe, is actually considerably longer than my big toe.
16. Sometimes I hate being tall. Sometimes I love it.
17. I wanna fall in love with a bad boy.
18. I pick my lip when I'm nervous
19. I can't get through a single Yankee game without wanting to puke from nervousness.
20. I have had a school-girl-crush on one of my guy friends for 9 years and he has NO clue.
21. I don't come even CLOSE to acting my age.
22. I am a life time Girl Scout
23. I have yet to meet a doctor I trust 100%
24. My childhood best friend Annie and I used to find whatever money we could every single day, meet at the old railroad tracks in Poky, conveniently half way between our houses and go to Ben Franklin and buy candy. Somehow I have NEVER had a cavity.
25. I believe people that call "pop". "soda" are incredibly delusional.
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